i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
and she was petting her beer can
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
