I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
