Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
