fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
