Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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