I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
