I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
