Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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