we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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