My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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