I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
