the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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