She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
