I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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