wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
