rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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