the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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