i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
