you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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