Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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