My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You've changed since you got that strap on
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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