God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
