I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i love accidental penises.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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