Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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