I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
