Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
