What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my being single is dangerous.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
