You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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