Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
