Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
