I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
