what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
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