it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
