just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
