If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
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He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
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Are we still banned from the library?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.