why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Quick, to the slutcave!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..