Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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