16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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