Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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