When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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