I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
