I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
