Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
