I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
