someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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