if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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