hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
