You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
