If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
