Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
