the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
