Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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