I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
