holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
