and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
