It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
