I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found the puke drawer
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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