My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
