God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
