Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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