Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
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It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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