I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
