there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
