Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
