the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
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