i may or may not be watching the land before time
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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