I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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