I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
