My brain says no but my pants say off.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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